There are many times when you will be in a situation and think to yourself “how did I get myself in these positions?” This doesn’t just apply to when the karma sutra goes wrong; it can be in anything from trivial to spectacular, the best example of the spectacular was the position Zac was in, because after all, when you find yourself dangling upside down over a lake of acid, holding a solid gold monkey, trying to solve an equation through integration, it is the sort of situation you have to wonder about.
Zachary Saint John Carlton Green (I think we should just call him Zac) dreamed of being an explorer; spending his life adventuring, seeking treasures and finding himself in many places from the deepest of oceans to the highest of mountains, why, because it was a promotion from tourist diving instructor. He had left school at eighteen with an A in Spanish and a kick in the bollocks, but that’s all he needed to have a holiday in Alacante, a southern town in Spain. There Zac took up diving lessons and was better than his instructor within a week, naturally he was hired when the local hotel organising the lessons saw the instructor was useless (which is ironic as he got the job in the exact same way). Zac spent three years teaching tourists how to drown without him being blamed, and was wildly successful; he knew the entire reef and was very popular with the survivors.
One day Zac was called to his manager, he was concerned because he never knew he had a manager, he was lead to a large wooden deckchair with a small sign at the bottom of it. “Manager” it said lazily before dosing off, the manager seemed to be unable to rise from this deckchair, he was a giant man, and his skin was the same shade of red you would find at the top of traffic lights, he glowed with the same brightness as well.
‘Zaco! (Zac)’ the manager shouted, he spoke a unique dialect of Spanish, known to the locals as “Extranjero quien no puede hablar ni una palabra de Espanol” (foreigner who can’t speak a word of Spanish) ‘me got amigo, him hable to you, mucho dinero he dio to me, he rico rico exploro, holy shit that was hard’ (I have a companion who wishes to converse with you, plenty of monetary compensation has changed hands, however he is a rather affluent explorer, golly I struggled with that sentence).
‘Sir I speak English’ Zac replied,
‘Why didn’t you butt in earlier instead of letting me make an ass of myself?’ The manager replied, obviously angry, but willing to hide it for the “rico rico exploro” ‘his name is Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum)’ (every time his name was said this invisible fanfare would blare up in the minds of those who heard it).
‘So where is Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum)?’
‘For a diving instructor you have crap eyesight’ the manager said as Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) revealed himself from behind the immense body of the manager, Zac was going to look bad however he reacted to this, Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) was in every sense a man who deserved a fanfare after his name, he stood tall and erect with a walking cane on his side, this was purely for decoration as he gave the air of a man who didn’t need help, he could easily hang upside down over a pit of acid with a golden monkey, solving an equation through integration, and he wouldn’t even sweat or mess up his finely trimmed moustache, he spoke in Spanish so the manager wouldn’t understand him, he spoke Spanish perfectly (of course, this is the man who would be able to do anything perfect).
‘Hello I’m Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum)’, it sounded even better with him saying it, (I don’t speak Spanish so I’m just giving the translation) ‘time is of the essence here which is why I need your help, I am informed that you know the reefs around here better than anyone else.’
‘Yes, I know every inch of these reefs like the back of my hand.’ Zac said trying to sound impressive.
‘Perfect, I need you to take me to the parrot’s neck,’ Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) said, sounding very important,
‘Cool, where’s that?’ Zac replied, looking very puzzled,
‘There is a region of this reef known as the parrot’s neck?’ Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) asked,
‘Nobody has named any part of this reef, there’s no point, its living rock which means it changes shape making it impossible to map’ Zac explained,
‘Drat!’ Zac felt the immense shame always felt by someone who let down Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) ‘does this mean anything to you’ he said removing a papyrus scroll out of his pocket, it was old, brown and had a large bloodstain, Zac didn’t want to know how it got there. Zac opened it up and read it, it was in English.

At riddles and solving you seem to be good,
Your prize is not of gold, silver or wood,
To Alacante set your ship’s sails and deck.
Happiness is in the happiness can be found at the parrot’s neck.

‘Why do you think they always write riddles in rhyme?’
‘That’s not important; maybe if we get in the water I can figure out what we need to do,’
‘Oh that, don’t worry its referring to a plant, parrots neck is the local name for rose coral, so do you think riddle writers get paid more if it rhymes?’
‘Rose coral? Why you are smart, but there must be millions of rose coral, how will we know which one?’
‘Simple, for some reason all the rose coral is in one section of the reef, if you get a diving suit on I’ll show you… Anyway it’s not even a good poem, blatantly forced; I don’t think the writer should get paid extra.’ A ten minute rant later and they were in the water, with Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) set up with all his adventuring equipment and Zac with 3 toothpicks and a small zebra beanie baby; Zac sped them straight to the coral, but Sir Reginald Artwright (dum dad a dum) went faster, he would swim ahead then wait for Zac, when they arrived Zac gave the signal to surface.
‘Why are you always rushing ahead? What’s your hurry?’ Zac asked, noticing that the perfect Sir Reginald Artwright (dum dad a dum) was looking in distress,
‘When I was scaling the eastern caves at the foot of Kilimanjaro, I happened across the wala-wala tribe, a most intriguing tribe, in a permanent state of laughter, it was from this tribe we first got the whoopee cushion, I joined them on the eve of another discovery, along with a device which forces people to fart from a distance, they had apparently discovered the location of a scroll, upon this scroll is the secret of happiness, of how to make all around you smile and laugh, I spoke to their chieftain, who gave me a map in return for a song about nipples, this map lead me to a lonely hermit, so upset and angry, the flower in my lapel turned into a Venus fly trap at the sight of him, I agreed to buy the scroll with the riddle on it for the blood of 18 separate virgins, I couldn’t allow this, so just as he gave the scroll to me, I kicked him off the mountain. However there is a problem, on his way down the mountain he took out his mobile phone and called trading standards, they’ve been following me ever since, which is why time is of the essence.’
‘Well I have an idea; you see all this rose coral…’ Zac shot his harpoon at the biggest piece of rose coral he could see, and to the shock of all watching, it exploded.
Zac and Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) approached the large crater, water was filling it quickly, and at the bottom was a large shape, like a large cubist scribble divided into hundreds of trap doors.
Zac approached the large empty space in the middle, written into the coral was another poem,

You found the subtle opening
Now another harder thing,
The hidden passage you wish to enter,
Use the trap door in the centre.

The way the boundaries were laid out the centre could be one of many, the shape was thin in the middle and the shape wobbled at the side, Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) started to count the trap doors, just as his face lit up with excitement a sound appeared from behind, it sounded like a small bald man in a suit, loading a harpoon into a harpoon gun. Zac turned round and noticed a rather large coincidence.
‘So, you thought you could get away with undermining consumer confidence?’ the man squeaked,
‘And who are you?’ Zac asked,
‘That’s Melvin Squeeny (warp worp), head of trading standards’ Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) replied knowledgably,
‘That’s right, and now its time you gave Mr. Barrow the 18 virgins’ blood you promised him,’ Melvin Squeeny (warp worp) demanded,
‘But he’s dead,’ Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) explained,
‘That doesn’t mean anything! You must fulfil your obligations as an equal trading partner!’ Melvin Squeeny (warp worp) shouted.
‘Fine, as part of the trading standards act of 2008 you are legally allowed to enter my property and cease the 18 virgins’ blood,’ Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) said, smiling to Zac.
‘Well I’m glad to see you are being civil,’ Melvin Squeeny replied, opening a trap door, even though it had happened before, all bystanders were shocked when the trap door exploded.
Zac stood astonished as half Melvin Squeeny (warp worp) fell beside him; even though he had been horribly disfigured he still looked very boring whilst dead. Zac looked down and noticed that the explosion had destroyed all of the trap doors apart from one; this was the one to descend down to an undersea cave, Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) jumped down, doing a flip on his way down and landing comfortably on the floor below, Zac jumped down, slipped and dislocated his arm.
Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) performed a seldom known ritual, which popped Zac’s arm back in place without pain or even discomfort; he then took out some flares and lit up the cave, it was a large cave with a single, low pillar in the middle, on this pillar stood a golden monkey, however the whole cave was filled with stone monkeys, twice as high and 3 times as wide as Zac. Zac walked forward, reaching for the monkey, until Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) restrained Zac.
‘Before you grab that, could I just take a security measure?’ Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) said, he picked up his cane (which he had somehow kept with him despite all events) and went round, thwacking every statue so it crumbled to the ground. ‘You’d be surprised how often these things come to life.’ He said, regaining his composure, ‘now you can get that monkey, I bet the scroll is inside,’ Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) said, thinking that if the monkey is booby trapped Zac will get hurt not him, however to Zac it was a selfless decision.
Zac reached forward and picked up the monkey, as he did so the cave let loose a huge grumble, Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) saw that something was wrong and shot a grapnel towards the hatch, he hooked one end around Zac’s feet and pulled them both up, unfortunately the trap door closed, and written on the inside of the door was:

∫ 4x³ + 12x² + 8x + 7

On the door was a series of dials, these dials were supposed to be turned to spell out the answer, Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) banged on the door but it wouldn’t move,
‘Um Zac, how is your maths?’ he said, almost showing something resembling fear.
‘I did it at a-level but I didn’t exactly do that well,’ Zac said, looking very bashful,
‘Well how about remembering your lesson, what does this large S mean’ Zac thought back through his revision book,
‘Ok, quadratics, differentiation, cows, integration! It’s an integration equation’ just as Zac said that acid started to fill the cave,
‘Great, now we have a time factor Zac, any idea what happens when you integrate 4x³ + 12x² + 8x + 7?’ Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) asked
‘You get an answer’ Zac said, completely clueless to what that answer was.
‘Well what do you have to do when you integrate’ Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) pressed,
‘Ok’ Zac said once again thinking through his old revision book, ‘ok carry, split, eat grass, got it, you increase the power by 1 and divide by the new power, so its um… x^4 + 4x³ + 4x² + 7x’ Zac cheered, he had done it, he had remembered a-level maths and shown skill and cunning beyond regular people.
‘Um, it’s still not opening, you really are a clueless moron, a C…, a’ Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) began,
‘Wait, that’s it, whenever you integrate you always add a constant on the end, so its x^4 + 4x³ + 4x² + 7x + c.’ There was a large clunk and the final dial slid into place and the door opened, Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) and Zac jumped out and closed the door, then Zac turned to Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) and handed him the monkey.
‘Here it is,’ Sir Reginald Artwright (dum da da dum) said dramatically as he unscrewed the monkey’s head and removed a scroll ‘the secret of how to make everyone around you happy, how to make them laugh with joy and forget all that is bad in the earth.’ He opened the scroll and laughed, he fell over in the shallow coral laughing with such intensity that he wouldn’t care if he drowned, Zac took the scroll out of his hand and read it, it simply said…

“tell jokes”